she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize