i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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