can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
