I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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