my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
As shirtless as possible
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
that is very illegal...i love you.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize