Yo dont text me then not text me
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
