4 words: hood of his car
I am spending my child support on dildos
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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