I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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