Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
