you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
