I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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