She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
