i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
