I accidentally had phone sex last night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
