So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
