idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
