she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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