i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
