from now on my penis is your penis
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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