Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
