is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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