this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
