I just pynch a tree in the face
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
