we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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