He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
