So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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