apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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