Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
