I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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