Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
