theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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