WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
