Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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