All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Two words: blizzard sex
Randomize
