it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
