i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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