just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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