Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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