It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
