If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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