Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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