Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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