well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
