if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i believe in u and ur pee
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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