Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
