also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
