And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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