When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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