thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
