Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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