CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize