I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
