Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
