Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
