Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
