im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
