my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
