Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
