my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
